Everything I Am
by aceoftwos
Summary: Kaito loses his memory and Shinichi has to deal with the consequences. A story of bad memories (and a few good ones), nosy interfering friends, and how to fall in love with someone you married four years ago.


"I missed you, even though you were never gone." / "I missed you, and I didn't even know you."

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 **Chapter 1** : "Nice to meet you."

 **Summary** : To say that things were not going well would be an understatement.

* * *

It's like something out of a nightmare.

It's the end of the heist.

It's all supposed to be over now.

But it's not. Kid gets shot out of the sky and no one sees where the bullet came from. No one sees Snake grinning in the shadows, Chianti beside him with her eye pressed to the scope of a sniper rifle. All Shinichi sees is Kid's crash site. He presses down hard on the gas and doesn't spare a thought for the speeding tickets that are going to be sitting in his mailbox tomorrow.

He's too busy hoping that Kaito is okay. He's too busy thinking: _Nobody was supposed to get hurt._

 **…**

SHINICHI

Ten minutes and several speeding tickets later, I pull up outside a park and scramble out of the car towards the entrance. I barely remember to grab the first aid kit from the backseat.

When I finally spot him (after two minutes of frantic searching) I know immediately know that this is far beyond my amateur medical skills. Beyond Ai's expert medical skills and rudimentary lab equipment. This definitely requires a hospital. The bullet only grazed him, but the damage from the fall is far from minor.

I strip him of Kid's gear. I'm too shaken up to remember where all his tricks are hidden, and it's only because of muscle memory and sheer dumb luck that I don't trigger any of them. "It's okay, you're fine, you're going to be fine," is coming out of my mouth on repeat. The only response is pained whimpering.

Resolutely _not_ looking at Kaito's agonized expression, I carefully lift him off the ground and carry him to the car. I pull out the spare clothing hidden under the passenger seat and redress him in casual, non-incriminating clothes. Then I sprint back and collect Kid's gear— _it's necessary, it's necessary, it's necessary, fuck, why is this necessary_ —wish fervently that I didn't have to waste time doing all this.

It takes just over twenty minutes to get to the nearest hospital. Five minutes to get Kaito out of the car and into the waiting room and say as clearly as I can, "Please help, my husband's been shot."

 **…**

SHINICHI

It's close to six in the morning when I knock on Ran's door. Hakuba answers it, Ran hovering behind him. Unsurprisingly, they look like they haven't slept. "He's going to be fine." Ran sighs, relieved, and Hakuba's expression relaxes a bit as he opens the door for me. I step into the entryway and close the door. "Major bruising, a bump on the head but they said it didn't look serious. Oh, and a sprained ankle. But the branches broke his fall. He got off lucky."

"That's great to hear, I'm so relieved." Ran hugs me, I hug back briefly before letting go. "How are you holding up?"

"I mean, I've been better, but I'm okay. I just wanted to stop in quickly and give you an update on my way home. I've got some things to do before I head back to the hospital." Namely, get all Kid's gear out of my car and back where it belongs.

"Of course."

"We'll swing by when Kaito is out of the hospital."

"You better," she says warningly.

"Yes, ma'am."

 **…**

SHINICHI

It's a bit early for visiting hours, but the nurse lets me in anyways. He looks sympathetic. Maybe he remembers me from this morning. I smile at him gratefully and pass through to room 208. Kaito is awake and the relief I feel is monumental.

"Kaito, you're awake!"

It only takes one tiny phrase to destroy that fragile peace.

Kaito furrows his brow and says, "I'm sorry, but, who are you?"

The world seems to drop out from under me. He looks entirely serious. There's no trace of recognition anywhere in his expression. Besides, Kaito wouldn't joke like this. Not now. Not _ever_. I back out of the room and go back to the nurses' station. He has _amnesia_. They thought I already knew— _that's why the nurse looked so sympathetic_ —so no one thought to tell me. I feel dizzy.

Slowly, I head back in the direction of room 208, dragging my feet as I struggle to comprehend what's just happened. When I step back into the room, Kaito turns his head my way, looking startling. I wonder if it's because he still trusts me, somewhere in his subconscious, or because his poker face isn't functioning yet. Maybe he's forgotten that too.

I sit in the chair next to bed and wonder what people are supposed to do in this sort of situation. Is there some sort of protocol to follow? Some check list I should be ticking off boxes on? Some memo I missed?

"So. Um. Who are you?"

"My name is Kudo Shinichi."

"Kudo Shinichi…" He repeats the name, rolls it over his tongue as if trying to find something familiar. It could not be more obvious that he doesn't recognize me at all. I want to shake him, plead with him, do _something_. "What are you to me?"

"I'm…" For a moment, I can't force the words out. How do you explain this? It's such a bizarre thing to have to tell someone, that you've been married for four years. "I'm your husband."

"Oh."

His eyes go wide, but he doesn't look completely horrified. Which is a good thing. Kaito looks like he's about to say something but I cut him off, "How much do you remember?"

"I'm a magician," Kaito says. Of course he remembers that. "My name is Kuroba Kaito. I'm scared of, uh, finny things, not sure why. And that's it. I don't remember much else." Everything. He's— _I just, oh god, this can't be real_ —lost everything. I'm in shock, pure and simple, and I'm not sure what my face looks like right now, but it's obviously upsetting him. "I'm sorry."

"Don't apologize, it's not your fault." He looks like he's about to say something else, apologize again, so I cut him off again. I notice that my hands are shaking. "Has a woman been by yet? Nakamori Aoko?"

"Oh. Uh, no. You're the only visitor I've had."

"I better call and let her know what happened."

I all but flee the room. Standing in the hallway, not staring into those familiar indigo eyes that don't recognize me, makes it a little easier to breathe. I count to ten slowly and let my heart rate drop back down to a normal level, then I pull out my phone and call Aoko. I speak in a hushed tone to avoid disturbing the other patients, relay the information as quickly and calmly as I can.

When I'm done talking, she doesn't ask if Kaito is going to be okay. Of course he will. He's Kaito. He has to be. Instead, she asks, "Are you okay, Shinichi- _kun_?" I want to tell her I'm fine but the lie dies on my tongue.

"No. No, I'm _not_ okay," I say, a bit too forcefully. "He doesn't even know who I _am_. I got called in at seven o'clock yesterday morning and I've been awake since then, because I got asked to consult on that goddamn serial killer case. They wouldn't tell me anything, despite asking for my help, because apparently I _still_ haven't earned their respect even though I've been working for them for nine fucking years. Even though I've been helping them solve cases since I was fourteen. Because of that, I couldn't figure out anything and I had to waste a whole day playing polite with the higher ups on the off-chance that I could _maybe_ get the information I needed. Then Kid's heist, and now this. Just, god, I swear this wouldn't be hitting me so hard if I wasn't so tired but I don't know what to do." I realize abruptly that I've been ranting at her for a solid minute. "Fuck, I'm sorry Aoko- _san_ , I didn't mean to unload all that on you."

She's silent for a moment, then just says, "I'm on my way."

When I walk back in the room, Kaito's eyes are immediately on me, guilty and apologetic. I never quite shut the door all the way, did I? "Heard all that, huh?" He nods and looks like he's on the verge of delivering another apology. "Don't worry about it. Most of that isn't your fault."

"Bu—"

"I'm sure you'll remember. And if you don't, well, we'll figure something out." He still looks guilty, so I add, "It's fine, really. It's not like you _wanted_ to get amnesia."

"I know, but…"

"It's not your fault," I repeat.

"I know it isn't. Can't I just be sorry that it happened?"

I don't have anything to say to that, so I sit back down in the chair and settle in to wait.

 **…**

SHINICHI:

Aoko walks in about ten minutes later, shattering the awkward silence knocks on the door. Kaito's eyes light up. "Ahouko! You grew up!" He pauses for a second then says excitedly, "I remember you! Nakamori Aoko, police inspector's daughter. You hate Kid, you've been my best friend since elementary school, your three sizes ar—" Aoko cuts him off by throwing her bag at him. She's scowling, and Kaito is grinning like the devil himself, looking so pleased to actually know something.

I'm happy he remembers. Honestly, I am. It's good to know that there's still some hope. Still, when I turn to Aoko, my expression must not be very positive. There's sympathy in her expression as she lays a hand on my shoulder. "Go home, Shinichi- _kun_. Get some sleep, okay? I can take it from here."

I don't want to leave. But if I don't sleep soon, I'm going to crash. And it's not like this is a life or death injury, even if it feels like it. Reluctantly, I get up and start heading for the door. "Wait!" I turn and Kaito is holding out a blue rose, looking hopeful and almost shy. It's so, so strange to see all of these vulnerable expressions on his face. "I know you obviously know me, but I'm sort of meeting you for the first time. So, it's nice to meet you." I take the rose and stare at it a moment, then smile. I'm sure it's a sad smile, judging from Kaito's dismayed expression.

"Thanks, Kaito. It's nice to meet you too."

And if the words sound like a lie, no one mentions it.

 **…**

SHINICHI

I'm not quite sure how I managed to make it home. Everything until I stepped inside the bedroom is a bit of a blur. I strip and toss my clothes in the general direction of the laundry basket, then I crawl into bed and cry myself to sleep for the first time in years.

* * *

 _1\. shinichi has been working for tokyo pd for nine years. shiratori, satou, takagi, chiba. they all trust him completely. but many of the higher-ups forget he works with them now. they see the bratty teenage detective first, the police inspector second._

 _2\. even if kaito's forgotten everything, he's still fundamentally the same person. nothing has really changed even though it seems like everything has._

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 **an** : as per usual, ffn has fucked with my formatting. also forced me to cut my summary in half. sigh.


End file.
